Taveuni by Paul Arthur

Taveuni, Fiji
Author: Paul Arthur

Part 1 of 4 Driver Carries No Cash. He Is A Scuba Diver.

Are we there yet?

Our journey begins with an uneventful 46 minute flight from San Jose, California to Los Angeles International airport. The flight to Nadi, Fiji on Air Pacific is direct and supposed to take approximately ten (groan!) hours. Cheer up, it's a sixteen hour flight from LAX to Sydney. The 11:59 p.m. departure time is pushed back by 90 minutes for unexplained reasons, so our group of 17 invaded the international terminal's food pavillion to kill time.

The Air Pacific plane is a 747 (my first time on one) and is surprisingly roomy. I estimate the flight to be approximately 75% full, allowing some passengers the luxury of stretching out across several seats. Air Pacific is a sister airline or subsidiary of Quantas, the airline with the long distance traveller's favorite phrase: open bar. We were offered water, juice and bar drinks from the moment we sat down.

It was a dark and stormy night ...

The 1:30 a.m. PST departure time was met with a minimal of fuss and our estimated in-flight time was cut back by ten minutes. Surprisingly, the nine hours and fifty minutes passed relatively quickly thanks to two movies (Larger Than Life and something I dozed through - no, that's not the title :^), two passable meals, an on-screen graphic showing altitude, air speed and distance traveled and virtually turbulent-free skies.

During the flight I was reading "Into Thin Air" Jon Krakauer's book on the Mt. Everest disaster in 1996 that killed five people during a 24 hour period. When we reached 29,000 feet I realized we were at essentially the same height as Mt. Everest. Somehow, the thought of stepping outside for a breath of fresh air had minimal appeal.

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no you, no what no ....

During my brief fits of sleep I dreamt that the Disney corporation had taken over all aspects of popular cultural in the United States. Waking up I listened to the new Wu Tang Clan CD to counteract any long-term emotional effects of the dream.

Fiji is nineteen hours ahead of the west coast of the United States thanks to the international date line, so we landed on Saturday morning around 8:00 a.m. That the sun had risen an hour or so before we landed helped minimize the jet lag. We did manage to lose most of Friday, August 8th thanks to all of this, but made up for it on the return trip.

Don't leave home without it

Customs and baggage were relatively quick and painless, leaving us with two and one half hours to kill. There is a 24 currency exchange booth in the airport bank just outside of customs. Two words of advice: USE IT. The rate may be a little worse than what other banks offer, but at least you can get some spending money if you arrive on a weekend or need cash right away. You will also need $20.00 Fijian for the airport departure tax so now would be as good a time as any to take care of it. The annoying thing is they only give you big bills ($20 Fiji), which some smaller merchant's may not be able to change. Anyway, the exchange rate was approximately seventy seven cents U.S. to one dollar Fijian.

The white knuckle special

We had a 10:30 a.m flight to Taveuni on Sunflower airlines, one of the local puddle jumpers. Baggage was weighed (including you and carry-on's), after which some people paid an excess baggage fee. Just who paid and how much didn't seem to fall under any sort of consistent policy. Despite similar baggage weight, some people paid, others didn't. Yet another reason to make use of the currency exchange booth in the airport.

The flight took us from Nadi to Ventu Lava for a brief stop before our final destination of Taveuni. During the flight we saw various small islands, coral reefs and beautiful atolls. The water ran various shades of cobalt blue and lime green. Earplugs are a worthwhile investment for obvious reasons.

The runways on the smaller islands are generally nothing more than a dirt strip carved out of the middle of a coconut grove. In one case the runway ended at the edge of a reef. Getting the plane stopped and turned around left us with less than 20 feet of runway. At Taveuni the airstrip turns from dirt to grass after a certain distance. Those uncomfortable with such flying conditions should consider yourselves forewarned.

Bula! Bula!

We finally landed in Taveuni around noon and were whisked to our hotel in a van by Jesse, taxi driver and tour guide extrodinaire. Everyone drives on the left side of the road in Fiji. The main road runs partially around the outer edge of the island and is paved in some spots. The rest is dirt and has plenty of chuck holes to keep the tourists alert.

"Bula" means "hello" in Fijian. Actually it's a shortened version of the greeting but is what most people would say. Here is a web page with some good basic information and photos about Taveuni for those who are interested:

http://www.fijiguide.com/Guide/Islands/taveuni.html

Garden Island Resort

Arriving at our hotel http://www.aquatrek.com/giresort.htm we were greeted by Irene & Helen, the hotel's manager and assistant manager. Both are British expatriates with an aversion to cold weather. August is the middle of winter in Fiji with an average daytime temperature in the low 80's F. This writer certainly empathizes with their view.

Lunch is offered at the Drodrolagi (Rainbow) restaurant in the hotel, during which an overview of the hotel and dive shop services and policies are presented. Many in our group choose to sample the local brewery - Fiji Gold and Fiji Bitter. Both receive thumbs up from the taste testers.

After lunch we play a round of the travelers favorite game - Have you seen my luggage? Some of the luggage (mine included) arrived on later flights, but ultimately did make its way to the hotel. Some writers have complained that the Garden Island isn't real luxurious. I would compare it as a slightly lesser version of the rooms at the Galapagos Inn in Cozumel. Functional, but clearly geared towards the scuba divers needs. Rooms run on 220v British power and a limited number of adapters are available assuming one agrees to share them. If not, bring your own.

Each room is also issued a 3 ring binder with information about the hotel, diving, maps of the dive sites and things to see and do on Taveuni. Well worth reading as it has a lot of useful information.

My room, while sparse (no television or radio) was clean, had an ocean front view (all 30 rooms have this) a small refridgerator, fresh flowers on the table and one on the bed to wear in your hair. The only complaints I might note were that the ceiling fan blades needed a coat of paint, as did the inside of the bathroom door.

Keep in mind we were paying six hundred dollars a week less than we would have at Dive Taveuni. Again, luxurious surroundings are not to be found here, but the scenery more than compensated.

Rainbow Dive Shop

After sorting out the baggage we were instructed to take our dive gear to the dive shop for processing. Stuart Gow is the dive operations manager. The dive shop staff will make sure your BC, regulator and fins are placed on the correct boat each morning and taken off and rinsed out at the end of the day. Marking your gear, especially fins and BC's is a real good idea. A DAN medical tag (what? you don't have one?) on your BC can make things a lot simpler for everyone. Gear is also available to rent for those who require it.

The dive shop also has the best t-shirts to be found on Taveuni. Cost is $22.00 Fijian and can be charged to your room.

I brought less gear than the Galapagos Islands (I couldn't have brought any more on that trip) but still planned for the possibility of limited access to a retail dive outlet. This turned out to be a smart move as the one dive shop in town looked like it had been closed for some time. A good dive light, glow sticks and a roll of duct tape are all highly recommended. Spare booties and gloves may be worth considering, depending on the current state of your equipment.

Gear tagged and stowed, I chose to adjust to the local time by taking a nap and preparing for whatever the dinner hour had in store for us. Our first dive would take place the following morning. During my nap I dreamed that California governor Pete Wilson was saved from drowning in the Rio Grande river by a family of illegal immigrants.

Our story continues in part 2

Part 2 of 4 Driver Carries No Cash. He Is A Scuba Diver.

The Dinner Hour

Wishing to avoid leftover food, the hotel requests that guests select their dinner menu before 5 p.m. Having done so we are left with a couple of hours to socialize at the hotel's Tagimoucia bar. Tagimoucia is a species of local fauna. Several Fijian guide books list the Tagimoucia as the social center for all visitors to Taveuni.

The bar itself is well stocked to handle the requirements of an international clientele:

Pimms & VAT 69 for the British Beer and white wine for the Americans Anything 30 proof or higher for the Australians

As we watch the sun set, bats with a two foot wing span swoop into the trees along the beach. Word of locals eating bats has me a little hesitant about ordering the chef's surprise for the remainder of our stay. :^)

The hotel hired a group known as the Garden Island Band to entertain the guests. They play popular favorites along with some traditional Fijian song. I'd like to think my musical horizons have been broadened slightly by hearing "La Bamba" and "The Tennessee Waltz" sung with the lyrics translated to the Fijian language. Hey, it beats karoke. The band also provides a large bowl of kava and sells CD's and tapes for those who wish to indulge. I considered requesting one of my personal faves, "Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam" by The Vaselines but figured it unlikely they would know it.

Dinner over we retire for the evening in preparation for our first day of diving.

Surf's Up!

Divers are requested to gather at the dive shop at 8:15 where we find out which of the two boats we will be assigned to the week and to gather our gear. Logisitcs worked out, we arrive at our respective boats and stow the dive gear. All diving takes place in the Somosomo straights, specifically in an area called the Rainbow Reef. The straights are located between the islands of Taveuni and Vanua Luva (Fiji's third and second largest islands respectively). Commercial fishing has been banned from the straights so the dive sites offer plenty to see, although several recent monsoons have left a noteable amount of dead coral in their wake.

Water temperature averaged 75 F and dropped as low as 72 at one site with viz running anywhere from 80 to 200 feet. Remember this is the dead of winter in Fiji. Conditions were such that a 3.2 mm wet suit was the minimal requirement. I found myself adding a hooded vest for the second dive. Others chose to wear even more, depending on comfort requirements. Gloves were strongly recommended by both the dive shop and hotel for both comfort and safety. As always, touching the coral was strongly discouraged.

We had two dives per day with a surface interval on a beach on Vanua Luva. Leaving around 8:45 a.m., travel time to the dive sites ran 15 to 25 minutes. We would usually complete the days diving and return to the resort between 1:30 and 2 p.m. for lunch.

Diving in Fiji is noted mostly for the soft coral and large numbers of small fish. Unlike my Galapagos Islands trip, there was little in the way of big animals to observe, save the occasional land-based dog or cow. The coral was beautiful in both shape and color. Expanses of bright blue, red, yellow and green were found in abundance at most sites.

The fish population is large and varied too. A book on south pacific underwater life turned out to be quite helpful. We saw numerous species of trigger fish, wrass, unicorn fish, lion fish and the occasional white tip shark. Schools of fish easily numbered in the thousands, if not tens of thousands.

Anyone with basic dive skills should be able to handle most sites. Nothing really difficult or deep save occasional current. In fact, one member of our group had certified the previous weekend in Monterey and had no trouble with conditions. Worst case necessitated doing the safety stop while hanging on the anchor line. Conditions did warrant this on more than one occasion.

And how was your day?

As I mentioned before, we would spend our surface interval on a secluded beach on the island of Vanua Luva. Imagine this: activities included snorkeling, walking along the sand, cracking open fresh coconuts and eating the meat, playing with the island dog, working on one's tan, snoozing. The list is endless. The beach could have been a postcard advertisement for the south pacific. Lion fish were spotted in the water so wading was an activity that was to be done in carefully in covered feet. Tough life, eh?

Our first, and probably easiest dive was at The Ledge. I suspect it was an unspoken checkout dive for the dive masters to observe our skills and allow us to adjust equipment. The ledge was noteable for the large number of lion fish, most of whom prefer to hang upside down. During quieter moments of the dive I tried to practice a similar position (feet facing towards the surface) with mixed success.

Amoung the memorable dive sites was Yellow Grotto, which included a tunnel that was covered in beautiful yellow coral. One entered at 80 feet and surfaced around 35. Other sites included Annie's Bommie (supposedly Jacques Cousteau's favorite site), The Ledge and Jimmy's Jelly.

The Great White Wall

The best known and most requested site on the reef is The Great White Wall. Notable for it's vast expanses of white coral, the wall, when it's caught at the right moment, it is rumored to be amoung the very best dives in the world. I am here to tell you first hand that it more than lives up to its reputation.

The coral along the wall opens only when the current is strong enough to fill the water with particulate matter, thereby allowing the coral to feed. When the current isn't strong enough, all you will see is a lot of jelly- like blobs as the coral has closed up due to lack of food. When the current is running too fast, divers get a whopping ten to fifteen seconds to observe the surroundings as they are being swept past, so timing is crucial here.

In order to see the wall, one drops down 30 feet to a tunnel that empties out onto the wall at 75 feet. Drop down to 110 feet, watch your depth and let the current carry you past. Imagine a 150 foot high wall covered with soccer ball sized coral that look like fluffy snowflakes. That is the great white wall.

We visited the site on two consecutive days, with the second day being better as the current was mild enough that the coral was still blooming but not so strong as to blow us past. I would rate this site at the same level as the dolphin encounter in the Galapagos Islands and the hammerhead sharks at Cocos. Absolutely stunning and worth the cost of the trip by itself.

The dive masters do their best to get you to the site but can't make any guarantees due to changing conditions. They are aware that everyone wants to see the wall, but that does not mean you will be able to dive it. Trust your dive masters on this.

Night diving is available for a price, as are snorkeling trips. Dive conditions and current dictate which evenings will be available for night dives. They aren't offered every night. Snorkeling in front of the hotel is discouraged due to the large amount of dead coral, shark sightings and the fact that there isn't all that much to see.

Part 3 of 4 Driver Carries No Cash. He Is A Scuba Diver.

Ask for it by name

After one of our dives, a diver on our boat broke one of the straps on her bathing suit. No more diving that day, you ask? Nonsense. A quick search of my dry box located a roll of 3M plastic and electric tape (also handy for marking dive gear). The tape repaired the swimsuit enough to allow her to participate in the second dive and avoid a potentially embarassing situation. 3M. Better living through quality adhesives.

The midnight visitor

Despite my comment that Helen and Irene manage the hotel, the hotel is actually run by two kitty cats. Never did catch their names but they are henceforth known interchangeably as "hotel kitty". One is a calico, the other had orange stripes. The calico was in and out but the orange kitty had no qualms about entering any room with an open door and making itself at home. The hotel requested that we not feed the cats, but that didn't stop them from brushing up against us during meals.

I was awoken one night with the realization that someone or something was on my chest. Opening my eyes I found hotel kitty staring at me from about 3 inches away. Clearing my throat was enough of a hint for it to move next to me on the bed. We both snoozed soundly until sun rise. The screen door was slightly adjar but I recall checking it before bed so I must conclude that hotel kitty actually opened it.

Hotel kitty also had a habit of observing me brush my teeth after breakfast. Sitting in the hallway outside my bathroom, she would make a raspy meowing sound while I brushed. When she stopped meowing that meant brushing was completed to her satisfaction.

Culinary truism #7 - there will always be an England

The hotel did an admirable job of catering to a variety of tastes. Meals were clearly influenced by Asian and Indian cuisines in the form of curry and stir fry. Breakfast was a cold buffet of cereal, toast that would brown on one side and cold fruit. A breakfast menu of hot food was also available that catered to British tastes - beans on the aforementioned toast, chunky or smooth marmalade, breakfast sausage that one might find on a plate of bangers and mash, poached eggs bordering on hard boiled and tea. For the truly adventurous and the Australians, a tiny and rarely used jar of Vegemite was also available.

Technology - helping families stay in touch

One diver in our group had certified the weekend before the trip. She also became a grandmother during our visit. The news of the big event arrived via fax. Here are the specifics of the event:

Sydney Olivia Born 8/22/97 (8/23 in Fiji) 8 1/2 lbs 20 1/2 inches

Planning a trip to Fiji? Stay in touch via fax at the Garden Island Resort. That number is (679) 880288. Email: garden@is.com.fj

The downside of exotic travel

The list of postcard recipients on this trip was nineteen. Nineteen! Fortunately the hotel had as good a selection of cards as one would find on Taveuni and were willing to mail them for me. The standard policy on postcards is by the time I get to the third one, I know what's going to be written and is done verbatim from then on. The sounds of the late, great Stevie Ray Vaughn at Carnegie Hall helped move the process along. Hotel kitty lurked nearby with a facial expression of curiosity and concern over the slight annoyance I may have been unintenionally (yeah, right) expressing while writing the cards.

Sorry, no additions to the mailing list are planned at this time. I thank you and so does my writing hand. Cards arrive in the states approximately 2 1/2 weeks after being mailed.

Fijian legends explained

In some cultures, a dolphin sighting is a sign of good luck. In Fiji it can mean one of two things: Rain is coming or there are tuna in the water. We spotted some dolphin off shore on Thursday morning. Whatever the validity of the legend, this is what I know:

The daily fish special at lunch continued to be wahoo. It rained to beat hell all day Friday.

Fijian buffet

The Garden Island Resort sponsors a Meke, sort-of a bar-b-que/buffet when enough people sign up. Claims in some guide books that it is held every Tuesday or Wednesday are untrue. Check with the hotel for specific dates. This is NOT a weekly function. When it's held, it is worth attending as all the dishes are all of Fijian origin where the main dishes are prepared in an underground oven.

Before the buffet, guests are entertained with traditional Fijian singing and dancing known as lovo. The singers and dancers wore traditional costumes that are similar to what one might find in Hawaii. I couldn't tell you what the lyrics or hand gestures meant but there was such joy and enthusiasm that it had to be something positive.

Two dishes of note were pineapple coated with chili oil and kokanda, made with fish, coconut milk and chiles. Both can be very addictive.

A face made for radio

The chef, an immensely proud gentleman, was on-hand to carve beef, pork and the biggest, ugliest looking fish I've ever seen. The chef insisted that I take a photograph of him with the fish, which turned out great. The expression on the fish's face suggests that it didn't give up without a sizeable fight.

Part 4 of 4 Driver Carries No Cash. He Is A Scuba Diver.

Observations on Taveuni

Some visitors have offered a view that there isn't much to do on Taveni. That would depend, of course, on how one defined such things. If you are looking for lots of shopping with an emphasis on local arts and crafts you are going to be disappointed.

There are few, if any, places that sell t-shirts and postcards. In fact, the best t-shirt was to be found at the Rainbow Reef Dive shop and the Garden Island has as complete a selection of postcards as anywhere on Taveuni. They will also post them for you.

Most of the island is a virtual Kodak Moment (copyright Kodak, Inc.). Bring lots of high speed film (ASA 400 recommended), a zoom lens and some patience. Chances are you'll bring back some stellar photographs. I shot 4 rolls each of prints and slides and got some great results.

Keep in mind that conditions are, to some extent, still third world. Indoor plumbing and electricity are fairly recent additions to some homes. People were observed washing clothes in the local streams while children played and bathed in the same streams. Smoke houses for fish are prominent at many homes, as are, surprisingly pool tables. Livestock, in the form of pigs, chickens, goats and horses wander freely in front of many homes. Garbage can be found pretty freq- uenlty on the side of the road, but the same can be said for squashed frogs. More roads are unpaved than paved and bridges have a tendency to flood during rainstorms, but I didn't find any of that impeding my travels very much.

Walking through the village nearest the Garden Island Resort, we encountered what passes for rush hour on Taveuni - local children walking home from school. Amoung the other sights and sounds I took away from our walk:

The air was filled with the smell of freshly baked bread with a noticeably higher sugar content. People would line up outside the bakery to purchase bread fresh from the oven.

A large group of boys playing rugby at an ocean front school yard.

Children splashing and swimming in a stream.

Most everyone would smile and greet us with "Bula" as we passed. I recall very few people not doing this. People seemed genuinely friendly.

Speaking of fashion

Outside of the resorts, women are requested to wear a skirt or long slacks. Shorts are a little questionable, but probably ok if they aren't too revealing. One way around this: wear a sarong. The hotel staff can probably advise you more accurately on this. Sarong's by the way, aren't worn just by women. Word has it that at least one male member of our party wore one and put a flower in his hair on a dare. What? Me? Photographic evidence? My attorney will be issuing a statement about this shortly! Packing a raincoat isn't a bad idea either for obvious reasons.

Suba's

The center of most retail activities was Suba's Supermarket and video emporium. One could purchase the week's groceries, liquor, clothing and rent a surprisingly large number of recent movies. Many of the big Christmas movies from the states had just arrived, including "Michael" and "Jackie Chan's first Strike." I spoke enthusiastically about "Men In Black", which had everyone baffled at the concept of Tommy Lee Jones in a comedy. "Tommy Lee Jones - from "The Fugitive?"" was a typical response from the Fijians. Just who rents movies was unknown as most homes didn't appear to have television sets. Suba's Supermarket. For all your shopping and entertainment needs.

Waitavala Waterslide

A 25 minute walk from the resort is the best time one can have for free on Taveuni. If you're staying at the Garden Island, ask for directions or look at the map in the three ring binder. It's worth the trip and slide is a lot of fun. Dive booties are a must and a wet suit is STRONGLY recommended to avoid tail bone bruising. Enter the slides below the big water fall and stay to the left. There are three slides, the third of which is s-shaped and moves very fast.

Word is local kids ride the slide standing up. We didn't witness this first hand but did encounter a smiling group of local children who shouted "Bula!" as they walked past. One kid dove from 15 feet into a five foot deep pool. We exchanged nervous glances with his playmates when he didn't surface right away but he did eventually surface apparently unharmed with a big smile on his face.

The falls and waterslides are very photogenic but difficult to shoot due to some thick overhead cover from the trees. Late afternoons are especially bad for photography. The pools are also great to sit in after the walk to cool off in after your hike if you aren't up for riding the slides.

Bouma Waterfall

A 45 minute ride from the resort is Bouma Waterfall. You can book a half day or full day. We chose the later and had plenty of time. You'd recognize the falls if you saw a photo. Entrance to the park is $5.00 Fijian and it's a ten minute walk to the falls on a trail where I went through a roll of film. Stunningly beautiful tropical scenery was to be found everywhere one looked.

The rain had stirred up the water in the lagoon to a dark brown color so we passed on swimming underneath the falls to the cave. Snorkeling is certainly possible, as is a walk to the upper falls but it was raining hard the entire time so we chose to pass. Worth the trip no matter what and the falls make for a great photograph.

180th Meridian

200 yards to the right of the resort is the 180th Meridian, where on one side of the line it's Tuesday, the other Wednesday. The Meridian was redrawn around the island to avoid this, but at one point some employers took advantage of the geography by moving workers on either side of the line, assuring that they never got Sunday off. There's a big sign and a plaque that are worth the walk and a couple of pictures.

3 things you are unlikely to find in Taveuni

Snow tires, cheese enchiladas, Gatorade. Not that I was actively looking. :^)

Fifteen million Alanis Morisette fans can't be wrong

Well.... it's possible they might be. Anyway, the real musical hero in Taveuni, to no one's surprise is the ubiquitous Bob Marley. Tapes, CD's and t-shirts were readily available at the local record emporium. Taveuni, Fiji Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts could also be found. That there is no Hard Rock Cafe on Taveuni didn't seem to to deter sales.

Audrey's

Eventually our trip had to end but not before a visit to Audrey's bakery and tea room. Renowned on the internet for her chocolate cake and eye catching view of the surroundings, we found reports to be very accurate. Make the time to visit during your stay. Price is six dollars Fijian for tea or coffee (she roasts her own beans grown on Taveuni) and cake. It's best to arrive before 3 p.m. as she may run out.

Audrey serves you on the porch of her home, which may have the single best view on Taveuni. My cheapy instamatic camera nailed what might be the single best photograph of the trip.

Audrey is also a member in good standing of the Fijian women's defense group (I'm sure that name is wrong but it's close). Sadly, alcoholism and domestic abuse are also problems here in the South Pacific. Fortunately a more enlighted view of the problem and treatment are being offered thanks to people like Audrey. I noted that more than a few of the taxi's had bumpber stickers proclaiming "Real men don't hit women".

Lal's Curry Emporium

Next to Audrey's (which is next to the airport) is Lal's. I have no idea if the curry is any good, but the name sure is catchy. If anyone has eaten there, can you post a review?

Hail and farewell old friend

Regrettably, I must report one casualty on this trip. My beloved 3.2 MM Body Glove (tm) wet suit finally gave out. Many years of faithful service in every type of condition and it never failed to keep me warm and comfortable until this trip where the zipper broke, the insulation gave way and leaks developed in too many places. The flourescent orange sleeves matched nicely with my yellow fins, making me a fashion nightmare or easily identifiable in the water, take your pick. You will be missed.

It's not a real vacation without a souvineer

Upon returning to Nadi for the flight home, we were left with a couple of hours to kill so a visit to the local arts and crafts stores seemed to be in order. Beware - the Indian shop owners and clerks are hyper-agressive when it comes to getting you in their place of business. Stories of people literally being pulled off the street and into the shops weren't uncommon. Fortunately, it didn't happen to us but I can see how it might.

Sharp eyed readers may recall the time that former vice president J. Danforth Quayle and his wife Marilyn were visiting a country in Central or South America whose name escapes me at the moment. At the end of the trip they were browsing a local market, when they came upon a wooden doll of the male persuasion with ah... anatomically correct features. As I reall, said feature became visible by pushing down on the doll's head. Dan & Marilyn teased one another in a dare to purchase the doll as a gift, possibly for one of their children. Under normal circumstances this might be considered cute, but let us remember we are speaking of former vice president J. Danforth Quayle and his wife Marilyn. The incident, as reported in the press took on an unseemly tone and did little to endear them to the an already dubious public.

What does this story have to do with my shopping expedition? Well, we stopped at a store called "Jack's Art's And Crafts" where I noted a group of hand carved wooden statues. Yeah, you can see this one coming, can't you? One of the carvings was of a gentleman wearing a grass skirt with, you guessed it, the same appendage as encountered by the Quayle's, only this one was protruding directly out of the skirt. Much giggling and laughter from the female contingent of our group ensued. I dubbed the statue "The working girl's companion and the housewife's friend" but at $350 U.S. it was a bit out of my price range. A real Kodak moment if nothing else.

Jack's, it should be noted, serves free beer to the customers. Several of our group felt this policy should be adapted within the retail community at large. Anyway, a detailed map of Fiji was to be my only purchase. That completed, it was time to head for home.

That 's my story and I'm stickin' to it

Our flight back to Los Angeles on Air Pacific was jam packed, so sleeping was questionable. As I mentioned in part one, there is a twenty dollar Fijian departure tax. If you don't have the proper stamp on your ticket, you don't go through immigration. Do the smart thing and plan ahead on this.

Thanks to the international date line, we left on Saturday night at 10 p.m. and arrived at 2 p.m. the same afternoon. The flight was uneventful save a bit of claustrophobia at one point and really bad audio for the in-flight feature "Shine".

Our arrival coincided with flights from Singapore, Tokyo and Austria, making customs and immigration at LAX a potential chore. Americans were pretty much whisked through and our connecting flight was at the adjoining terminal, so things could have been much worse. I asked a sales clerk if UPS was still on strike and the woman looked at me like I wasn't hitting on all 8 cylinders. That might very well have been true but a simple yes would've sufficed.

The LAX to San Jose leg was filled with catching up on happenings courtesy of the Los Angeles Times. After arriving home, unpacking, watching Siskel & Ebert and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on tape and weeding through the mail, I found myself wide awake despite having been up for 26 hours. Must be the jet lag. Three days and a lot naps later my body finally readjusted, allowing me to return to a more familiar routine and work on this literary masterpiece.

I hope those of you who are still awake enjoyed my report.

that is all